Internet Dating, Cyber Sex

A really Great woman wrote this..
Regina Lynn Wrote this and I thought it would be great to post it here.
You can read more from her here.
http://www.wired.com/culture/lifestyle/commentary/sexdrive/2006/03/70367?currentPage=all

One of the most common questions in my e-mail is some variation on this: "How do I find women to have cybersex with?"

It's a good question. People still seem to believe the internet is full of millions of lonely, socially inept dweebs desperately masturbating with other lonely, socially inept dweebs pretending to be porn stars.

I suppose I can't blame them. Few writers bother to look beyond the fear to find other stories about sex in virtual spaces. And what television news program wants to report on normal people having a great time visiting and flirting and possibly sharing orgasms -- normal people who then log off and go about the rest of their normal lives?

It's true that cybersex is not for everybody, and it can be emotionally dangerous even if you're not in a committed offline relationship and risking infidelity. Some cyber partners even end up leaving the virtual space to get married. Ack!

But it still irks me that it's such a shock when I explain that having sex online does not mean it's your last resort. It could just mean you'd rather engage and relate than zombie-out in front of the television.

What people don't realize is that it's hard to find good sex online if you're a woman, and hard to find sex at all if you're a man. You can't just log into a webcam community and get laid, any more than you can join an online role-playing game and hook up without making any further effort.

You have to spend some time, talk to people, form relationships, and maybe -- just maybe -- sex will happen. Cybersex is a woman's world, didn't you know?

A man who not only respects that but enjoys it is a man who will not lack for online sexual partners. And if you're not willing to make the investment, go to a cam-girl site and pay to play instead.

Because I've been an observer but not sexually active online for the past few years, I called up Kirk (not his real name), an administrator in an adults-only webcam community. We had a private webcam conversation that confirmed what I already knew: Nothing but the tech has changed since my days as Aphrodite.

Kirk says his main responsibility as room admin is "to kick out the creeps."

Minors and spammers are booted without question; so is anyone who starts "directing" -- telling other people what to do on their cameras -- or harassing other members, particularly the women. Continually asking "anyone want to go private?" or trying to lure premium members to free instant messengers is also grounds for bouncing.

It sounds harsh, but it's what keeps a core of 30 or more regulars returning to the room, week after week.

"Women have told me they like to come to our room because we don't mess around," he says.

Getting booted is not the end of your cybersex chances. You're banned for 24 hours, but anyone willing to respect the community standards is welcome to try again.

"I got bounced out of a room my first day because I didn't know what 'directing' was," Kirk says, laughing. "If you ask somebody to do something on their cam, boom, you're out. Some rooms warn you first."

Not everyone uses a webcam during chat, while others -- especially couples -- connect their home video cameras to their computers and provide the highest quality video.

"It's really nice when the couples are on cam together," says Kirk. "When they start playing, when you see actual sex, that's when it's the best. Much better than porno movies because it's real people. They don't have fake boobs. They look like everybody else, with all their flaws and imperfections."

He shrugs. "It's good to see people who are actually attracted to each other and not having sex for money," he says.

He advises newbies to introduce themselves, to jump into the chat and start talking. "When someone gets to know you, they might add you to their (friend) list," he says. "And then go off and eventually have cybersex. I know people who do that all the time, but they don't do it with complete strangers."

Kirk has been a member for almost four years, and rarely has cybersex anymore. The draw now is the community itself, the relationships he has formed over time.

"I like coming home and chatting with people," he says. "Often the conversation in the room is pretty superficial, but talking behind the scenes in IM can get more substantive."

He does admit to the occasional "wank session," though. Women have told him that they prefer to see faces to cocks, so he keeps his camera pointing higher, à la Beautiful Agony.

And just so you know, these women aren't saying "I'd rather see your face" to avoid hurting his feelings. Kirk has a lovely cock -- I've seen it. But even those of us who delight in dicks want to see your facial expressions, too.

Throughout our interview, I notice that he often uses the word "play" to describe what people do while in the room. That's not a term often associated with depression or obsession, two conditions in which you forget how to play.

One of the dangerous delights of cybersex is that both men and women can form strong emotional ties, regardless of geographical, political, cultural or marital complications offline.

If you do fall ass over teakettle for someone you meet online, Kirk suggests confining the "honey baby sugar darling" talk to private sessions. It kills the mood if you toss too many endearments around in public, and mood is very important in adult chat.

In fact, mood is as contagious online as it is offline.

"There's a momentum that happens," he says. "You'll see a lot of cams up, lots of women playing, a little free-for-all. And then you go through a lull when someone leaves, or the woman who is the focus of the most attention will leave, and everyone else starts to cam off and leave too."

Kirk can't believe how many men -- still -- expect instant gratification. "They say 'hey I like your cam, you wanna go private?' and it just doesn't work that way," he says. "It's the equivalent of walking up to a stranger in a bar and saying 'hey, wanna fuck'? I've never found that to work."

In other words, don't be put off by a tightly knit community where everyone seems to know each other, where the inside jokes and innuendos fly around as you attempt to introduce yourself. If you're respectful and patient and smart, you'll become a part of it sooner than you think.

"I enjoy the power trip (of being an admin)," Kirk says, laughing. "I like to make women feel comfortable."

And ultimately, that's the trick to cybering with women. Respect, attention, conversation -- and then, perhaps, after the spanking, the oral sex.
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